I hear countless stories of Silicon Valley millionaires and billionaires who think, “Once I achieve X in my company, or Y million dollars, then I’ll be happy.”
They burn themselves out, perhaps lose a relationship or two along the way, and reach their version of “success.”
Only to still feel unhappy.
Maybe you too have thought, “Once I graduate, get that promotion, or hit the next big milestone, I’ll finally feel good about myself.”
Well, if that’s not the solution, how do you become happier? Especially without having to sacrifice ambition.
I dove down a philosophical rabbit hole this week so you don’t have to.
Here’s a framework to be happier right now. With or without a million dollars.
What Exactly is Happiness?
Happiness consists of contentment, joy, pleasure, satisfaction, and other positive emotions.
Usually, most people associate happiness with high emotions and excitement. Maybe even freedom of responsibility.
Here’s a different perspective:
Peace is happiness at rest; happiness is peace in motion.
Now read it again.
Happiness is peace in motion.
Happiness is feeling at peace, while you’re doing an activity.
It can exist anytime, regardless of whether you’re working, on vacation, or hanging out with friends.
So, if the underlying goal is peace, how do you find peace?
Peace Versus Conflicting Desires
Peace is simply existing without disturbance.
The opposite of peace is conflict. This can come from internal or external stress. Stress created by two or more opposing things.
In the case of internal stress, you want different things simultaneously.
You want to make an important work deadline. But you’re tired and also want some down time. → So you feel anxious, uneasy, maybe angry. Instead of happy.
You want to make a big change for yourself. But you’re afraid of the risk and want to feel safer. → So you feel empty, confused, maybe lost. Instead of happy.
You can’t decide between your wants.
In the case of external stress, the environment impedes on your wants:
You want to stay in a relationship. But your partner wants to leave.
You want to win a competition. But you end up doing worse than you thought.
You want something dependent on factors outside of your control.
Happy people know what they want, and don’t dwell on outcomes they can’t control.
How to Find More Peace
From the earlier example, lost entrepreneurs often find that what they want isn’t $100 million at all. Maybe it’s validation from other people. Financial security. Or to feel like they’re worth something to their families.
The happy ones were already happy in the first place. Doing what they want and love.
To be happier and less stressed, choose between your conflicting wants:
The work deadline is for a really cool project you had the opportunity to work on. → And you realize you want to complete it more than rest.
You find your deeper value of pushing yourself to grow is more important than perceived comfort. → So you accept the scary feelings that come with it.
And realize when something is out of your control:
Maybe what you really want is to feel loved and cared for. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to stay?
Maybe what you really want is to feel or look accomplished. Is that sense of accomplishment solely tied to a competition result?
That’s peace.
As long as you do ambitious things, life won’t always go how you want. It’s unrealistic to be 100% stress-free. That’s not the goal.
But when you do experience stress, you can emotionally separate yourself from things outside of your control.
Pick what matters to you most.
Shift your desires to align better with your reasons “why.”
Look at what’s right in front of you.
That’s what all those mindfulness buzzwords are about.
Meditate or reflect on your true wants. Accept to let go of conflicting desires. Practice gratitude to stay grounded in your peace.
The formula for happiness, no chase required.
This Week: Try It Yourself
In writing this, I realized a lot about the stressors in my own life. I hope this helps you do the same.
In the areas you don’t feel happy, reflect on what your true wants are:
Do you want two opposing things? → decide which want is more important to you right now
Do you want something outside of your control? → reflect on why you really want that thing or if you actually want something deeper
Do your core wants truly conflict?
Accept and let go of the wants that are less important, or out of your control.
Practice gratitude for all that you have and all that you get to do.
Hi, I’m Kat! Welcome to my newsletter—your weekly dose of mindset, perspective, and mental health for sustainable success.
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— Kat